When Making A Change Gets Tough!

When I started the journey to getting my shit together, I didn't understand how FUCKING HARD this would be. There were many things leading to this, many embarrassing moments and moments of let down that would force me to stand tall on my own.

This journey was more than weight loss, it was a full transformation of who I was as a mother and woman. I was such a hot ass mess that I was corrupting not only myself, my oldest son Anthony!

I was struggling mentally and physically. I wasn't able to care for him as much as he needed because of my weight. I was fatigued and depressed which kept me from doing anything more than what was required to keep him alive. I spent my days arguing with others about my shit. Wanting others to get on board and change so that I wouldn't be alone in changing, however, that didn't work.

It was a very lonely path to take, yet I had no choice but to walk it in order to get to the other side of misery. Life couldn't be any worse than what I had already gone through and was currently going through. Life was really fucked up.

What made me move forward on my journey was the day I sat at my dining room table and broke 2 chairs at 2 different times. In conjunction with my inability to do more than what was required for Anthony Jr.

I lost a lot, however, I gained a lot! When I started this journey I wasn't sure what I needed to do. Everyone around was just as fucked up like me, there was no way they could help me get out of this place. I really had to figure this shit out.

The 1st thing I did was the lap band procedure to lose weight. That was a fail. I went a couple of years after and had the VSG and only lost a little weight. After 2 failed procedures I felt defeated, I felt that maybe I was meant to be a big girl. I wasn't meant to be thin and curvy like some of the women in my family.

After being in this funk for a while, I decided to try again. I made a conscious effort to get the weight off. I started to slowly eliminate things that were holding my bondage so I could elevate. That meant letting go of things and people that were just as toxic with no interest in getting themselves together. I lost family and so-called friends and at 1st it was hurtful because I did wonder if something was wrong with me. I wondered if I was just too much like everyone was saying.

After I started leveling up, I started to see a lot of fucked up shit I was doing and I had to go make wrongs right so I could move forward with a clear conscious. I knew once I started cleaning up my mess that I allowed to fester and cause (dis)Ease within myself, I started to notices small blessings happening. The more I started to see the small blessings the more eager I was to heal and allow myself to be vulnerable to life. I started letting go, worrying less, and accepting more.

There is a new level of life that I see so clearly, Anthony Jr. is getting the best of his mother, I am feeling more like myself and not a programmed version of myself. I have been able to regain my relationship with my mother and father. My youngest son Lyric is living his best life because I am at my best.

I couldn't imagine going back to the woman I was prior to this growth. I look at old pictures and applaud myself for rising above my circumstances so that my children could have something more than what I was offering. I knew I had lots of potentials I just didn't know how to execute.

Once I removed fear my abilities became endless and my desires became greater.

From 265lbs to 155lbs!!!! If I can conquer ANYONE can... Go be great!

I Am Tired!

Parenthood, in general, can be tiresome, being a parent to a child with (dis)Abilities is extremely tiresome. Our world literally can be rocked in a matter of moments.

My experience with this lifestyle has been very interesting. I have no family besides my children's father and my parents. I have no true support outside of the nursing hours I receive from the Medicaid system.

It saddens me that most including myself do not have a family we can lean on. A family that will support you and uplifts you. A family that will give you a break so you can enjoy life a little. None of my family has come to my aid. None have come to sit in the hospital with me, to relieve me so I can breathe or even just nap.

When I say I am tired I really mean that shit. I am tired of making calls, questioning things, handling things, being told what things will and won't happen. Why Anthony isn't good enough or not in need of certain interventions. It's just overwhelming at times. Not having access to quality care and services makes me tired.

Per society standards, I am a black female with black sons who are viewed as threats to this country I currently reside in. I have to explain to my youngest how his skin color, gender, and diagnosis are all strikes and how to stay safe while teaching him how to care for his big brother.

I've been told before (in my house) by a family member that she was the mother of all mothers. I've been told that my journey has only been for a short amount of time so I don't understand motherhood fully yet. I was also made to feel that I was the one that causes the breakdown.

I AM FUCKING TIRED of working hard to give my son the best life possible even with roadblocks. My family has dishonored me and my children in many ways. I am the black sheep and it's ok. I understand that everyone isn't for me nor needs to be associated with me and my children.

It has taken me a very long time to understand that none of this is my fault. None of what others think and feel of me is important. I have a choice!

Being tired means allowing others into your space and allowing their negative vibe to drain you! We tend to accept these behaviors because of our lack of confidence to say how we really feel and set boundaries with our family. We believe that because they are family we have to accept whatever is given.

You do not have to accept less than your worth and it's ok to tell your family to kick rocks if they treat you less than your worth.  It's too often that we subject ourselves to things for the sake of family.

Family is only the blueprint into how the world will treat you!

I am TRIED and that's ok! I have learned to be ok with other's not desiring to take this ride with me. After all, it's a pretty bumpy ride filled with lots of uncertainty and emotional challenges.

 

 

 

Let it fall apart to rebuild in its likeness!

 

A few days ago I sat in my room and cried, I couldn't help but come to a final realization that everything I expect from people will never be. Having others fully understand you and your thoughts will never be an option, especially from those who you expect it from.

Growth is a VERY HARD job once you accept the challenge! I've been struggling with finding out why the cards that were dealt with me were so. Why didn't the cycle stop before me OR was it suppose to be me to stop the cycle?

As usual, I asked my mother a question that would trigger an uncomfortable place within her that would cause her to lash out at me with anger. At that moment I felt that she was struggling with accepting the choices that she made with her life. It was that moment when she dodged the question and met me with a wave of anger and an answer that I did take personal for a moment.

As the heated and intense discussion between us continued, I could see her struggling with herself and using the outlet of me asking the question that triggered this much-needed breakdown. It was needed for both myself and my mother.

Prior to the conversation taking place, I was sitting in my room on my bed. As I was sitting there working, my left arm got cold and the hair on my arm began to raise up. I then felt a gentle touch met by a slight gentle breeze that let me know the feelings of my grandmother (my mother's mom) being present was true. That's when I went to the kitchen where my mother was and that's where this entire breakdown YET much needed moment that brought so much clarity.

A conversation that was met and given hostile unkind reactions, turned into a moment of so much clarity on both ends. I felt my mother FINALLY heard me and I FINALLY understood my mother and her actions to many things that took place in the past. It clicked, how I needed my mother to show up in ways no one showed up for her. She didn't know how to stand for me against our family. LET ME BE CLEAR, my mother would stand against anyone and any entity as long as it wasn't family she had to do it against.

This conversation helped me understand that what I was asking my mother to do was impossible because no one did it for her, no one was there for her the way she needed. She didn't understand what being there looked like. So naturally, I traveled the same insanely painful path she did. Mimicking behaviors, similarities in experiences both good and bad.

The breakthrough came once we both understood the experiences. A clearer understanding was formed and barriers that were once there were taken down. She gained a better understanding of who I was and am as well as on the way to being. Her struggles which bred an unstable and unbalanced human created the individual that fights for her children today. When I look back at the struggles, I fully understand that those struggles that I held against her were what I needed to stand tall for my children.

As I change how I view my struggles I now embrace and thank GOD for them. How would I be able to stand as tall as I do (and I am still growing) for my children if I hadn't gone through those struggles? There would be no way! Every battle that came my way built me to stand for my boys. Yes it was packaged differently and yes it wasn't idealistic, HOWEVER, GOD knew who was needed to breed one hell of a warrior to care for his prized possessions.

Now that I've gone through the storm with my mother, I feel I elevated that much more. I have a better understanding of things and she even called me to the carpet on a few things. From this complete breakdown, I feel we gain so much we didn't have for so long in a matter of hours.

This is the power of the Universe if you are open to the possibilities of what it can bring. If you aren't resisting you can find the peace and the joy you seek.

All Things Do Not Deserve a Conversation!

When we have communication challenges, it's only because no one wants to fold and be the one to give in. We strive to be right instead of peaceful! We fight for the position instead of connection for elevation.

We are so uncontrolled mentally we don't know what honesty vs (in urban terms) Shade is. We mistake honesty (what we all ask for) as shade. We only want cheerleaders, we very seldom want to hear the toxic behaviors we exude, told to us in a factual way. We are accustomed to hearing things that make us feel good and feel like we were right when in all actuality, deep down we know we were out of order.

We've been conditioned to believe that titles and being right is the appropriate way to handle ALL situations. Yelling and screaming get you ignored and only raise the aggression in the situation. No one gets heard and now both of you are in a pissing match to establish Heirchie. And NOW, you've spent an entire day which will now control the remainder of your week fighting an unnecessary battle.

If we can learn to remove EGO and understand that everyone will experience situations completely different. Removing EGO will help you see clearly and spare some headache, heartache, and frustration! We get so easily pushed instead of having control over your emotions. When we feel, we feel without discretion. We allow anger to cause us to verbally and or physically assault others and the insane part is, WE BELIEVE THAT THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR IS JUSTIFIABLE.....

This is why your body holds on to tension and fat cells when your spirit is out of alignment, you are unable to accomplish the goal of weight loss. Your cravings increase, your desire for certain foods increases and from there not only did you give yourself high blood pressure from the yelling and screaming, but you've also added dumb shit to your diet to increase health risks.

Take time to think things through and restrain from being abusive. When you don't understand, stop and just ask, you will be surprised at what can happen when you stick to the facts and remove EGO.

 

 

Protecting Your Peace!

Part of my weight loss journey was discovering how important protecting my space and peace really was/is. I would hear people talking about protecting their space, HOWEVER, I never understood that! I guess during those times, I was in such a toxic place, I didn't realize it was really possible.

As I go through this growth in life, I realize more and more the importance of taking care of your time and space. Making sure you don't allow any ad every energy and spirit that means no good. We have to be careful with what we accept in our spaces. It's imperative for your health and well-being.

Allowing other's you see potential in who have not yet done the work nor proven to themselves is a setup for instant failure and a win lose situation. We can't take on those types of people. They will drain you and take everything great you have to offer someone who truly deserves the hand up. The gratitude from the person you are giving a hand up to will replenish your bank with the gratitude they will feel from the help.

Beginning the process of healing internally and externally isn't easy at all. It will require evaluating relationships you currently have as well as conducting a self-evaluation of your own toxic behaviors. Making solid and consistent changes to grow into something better.

As growth happens you will start to develop and a very low tolerance for toxic behaviors from others'. You will fill less inclined to participate in back and forth childish behaviors that would typically cause disruption in your life. You will start to speak up more and challenge more. You will start to accept nothing less than your worth.

Protect your space from those who aren't worthy of your time. Ask, what does this person have to offer more than a, "Hey Girl did you hear" type conversation!  Surround yourself with only winners, they will teach you how to win, and be stable. That group will elevate you and push you to be your best.

Protect your space at all cost, don't allow anyone to come in and take you away from what you've worked hard to have for yourself. The stress and sacrifice of your self development isn't worth it.

Love & Light

Ase!

Just Because!

Growth is something that has to happen internally and externally. The problem with people taking the steps to fully heal is the process that is required of them. The grueling one time process of conquering all things that keep you held captive each day. The task of facing a lot of realities and truths about not only those who've caused you to feel inadequate about yourself but you as well.

We work so hard for things we desire when its really simple to obtain. The work is what everyone is afraid of. Stoping to think a little longer to make sure what you are giving out is something that you wish to receive.

Sometimes we get so stuck into our own pity story, that we become that persona we've created. We function and feel as though without this pitty persona and the pitty story to match the attention wouldn't be given. If you strip someone of a toxic behavior they are used to exuding they will be lost on what they offer to the world. Can you imagine not having anything more to offer than pitty?? That's a really heartbreaking place to be.

We as mothers must stop thinking that motherhood is full of struggles. We've learned (due to no fault of our own) that parenting comes with struggles and woes. We never highlight that happiness another human being brings into the world. How this new human maybe the gate key to correcting the misuse of the world.

We associate pain with motherhood. I've heard elders speak about how their children are getting it back for the hell they gave. I often hear elders say, "raised my kids it's time for me to live now".  We still adopt a slave mentality, since we primarily took care of EVERYONE ESPECIALLY in the slavery times, the only things we saw with motherhood was pain and suffering. Nothing ever positive. So naturally, we've filtered this behavior down to our children.

If we start to associate all things positive with being a mother, we will start to live more freely and unjudgmental. We spend to much time doing things JUST BECAUSE we can. Dishonoring our bodies and health. Mistreating others etc. We are so lost within and it shows through the behaviors, people give out to the public.

We have to start looking towards the universe and really letting go and playing your position. Everything you are asking for has already been given it's up to you to be quiet and listen for the answers you're seeking.

 

Letting Go!

Letting go is not an easy thing to do especially when you lack the understanding of how to let go.

We spend an incredible amount of time minding other folks business. We place ourselves in lanes that don't even belong to us. This is why we have an influx of overeating, depression, and anxiety. We have a society that's built on stress and unnatural habits which is why we experience so much pain.

(I know this oh too well)   Living in an unnatural state means you are compromising your well-being for the well-being of someone else. This is why we aren't sure how to navigate life in a healthy manner. We have become very accustomed to a dysfunctional way of life.

We are more focused on EGO rather than love and life. We speak of GOD yet, we dishonor him/her each and every day. The way we treat our health and other's is a reflection of how we truly feel about ourselves. We justify being overweight and even though we should celebrate the skin we are in, we should do it in the most healthy fashion possible.

When I weight 265lbs I was in a miserable state. Even though I was bubbly on the outside, the inside was dead. I was a walking hot garbage mess. I was unhealthy, overweight, borderline diabetic and fatigued. I had nothing productive going on and I felt inadequate and unworthy. (What can I say, I learned how to be miserable from my family)

Growing up in a dysfunctional mess really took a serious toll on my spirit and self-worth. I was busy waiting for the approval of my parents when really I never need their approval. I only need mine. I only needed to validate myself and believe it.

Once I made the choice to do something different so my life would go in a different direction, things starting getting worse. I was falling apart by the seams, HOWEVER, little did I know, GOD was rearranging my life as I requested. Those who meant no good were being removed, my confidence started increasing and the more aware I became about who I was as an individual the more I felt empowered to do better to not only save my life but the lives of my children.

All you gotta do is make the choice and put forth the action. Once you start allowing yourself to let go and just float with the process, life becomes that much brighter.

Salute!

Comfort Food

As I sit here digesting that my hot water tank has gone out and the home warranty company refuses to replace it, I can't help but laugh. YES LAUGH!!! (well, and facepalm) Before this moment, I would've been stressed, ready to blow a gasket and eat myself to a glutton. I would be in full blown tears ready to indulge in something tasty.

Do ya'll know how long it took me to get to this point!!!??? (I mean that both literally and figuratively...lolol) This was not an easy road to conquer. It was and still is one of the hardest things I have ever had to address constantly.

 

I grew up in a home where eating unhealthy was the norm. My dad would pick me up from school and before we get on the path to go home, he would stop at the gas station and buy a chocolate cupcake for me. He would then take the long route home that consisted of a hilly road that made me feel like I was on a rollercoaster (great times)! My mom would cook unhealthy foods that were budget friendly and stretched.

Imagine growing up in a house were everyone ate horrible, so my fate was inevitable. That's all I knew and what I learned. By the time I was 18yrs old I was 180lbs. NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, HOWEVER, during those times, 180lbs was not considered thick, it was considered fat.

When you grow up in a home filled with sadness and toxicity, you adapt the same way your lifelines adapt, in my case, eating was what I used to cope.

My parents argued all the time. When they did, I would be dragged into the middle of it. My mother would make me pack my things and we would leave and go stay somewhere else. My dad would call and bribe me to tell him where we were in exchange for money. It would leave me to feel I had to play one against the other all the time just to gain peace.

Food was instant gratification for me. Any time I felt inadequate I would eat, the food had to be good and soothing. After all, I wasn't feeling so great about who I was. Constantly dealing with mommy and daddy issues didn't make the shit any better. I was carrying a weight that didn't belong to me.

Once I started to understand the ideology of why my parents moved as they do and TRULY forgive them, I was able to morph. I was able to start the true work of getting to a better place mentally, physically and spiritually!

The 1st step is understanding the root. Once you discover what that is, then the work can truly begin.