GREATEST POTENTIAL

We all define "Greatest Potential" in our own way. So please understand when reading this, it's from the perspective of my view on life.

Being with someone over 13 yrs is a major accomplishment these days.  We are in the days when people don't value life, love, and respect. We associate words with certain emotions just because we are told too. We never look beyond because we are too busy living in a fairytale world.

We put pressure on people to fulfill duties we can't even fulfill for ourselves. We expect other's to make us happy when we don't even feel happy with ourselves. No wonder there's a lot of depression and anxiety.  We are to busy working hard for 5 minutes of instant gratification.

We have forgotten that life can be easy if we let go and understand how humans operation. We also have to learn how to love ourselves. We often ask for someone to make us happy, however, are YOU MAKING YOU HAPPY?!

You should only desire additional happiness and peace. Someone that can elevate you higher. Which brings me to this, DIVORCE or BEING SINGLE. We are so scared to divorce or mention it because of fear of what someone will think and because of the stigma that the word holds.

These actions shouldn't be a sad sob story. It should be the knowledge of knowing that you have options to reach your happy. Why should that be sad?  I have always said, people would rather stay unhappy because of what other's will think vs. being happy and not caring what people think.

Once you realize that happiness is easy to get to as long as you are willing to do something different that may be uncomfortable for the moment.  However, the choice you make along with the action you put forth to make that choice a reality will determine the level of peace you receive.

Marriage From an Unorthodox Perspective

Marriage is a bond between 2 people be it same-sex or man and woman. Marriage goes much deeper than respect and love, it's what the individuals who are in the union make it be.  There is no set rule book nor are there set deal breakers that we all must follow.  What may be your deal breakers will not be someone else's.

When my husband and I got married back in 2005 we didn't know what we were doing. We just knew we loved each other and that was it. We didn't know anything about how to make the union easy for us both. I attribute that to poor rearing we had.

In the Smith household, my parents fought each other verbally.  It was a CONSTANT staple in my house. My mom would drag me to a hotel and my dad would bribe me to tell where we were.  My mom would always go back because she didn't have money of her own. My mom has a vile mouth and her energy was always heavy. She wasn't the easiest to talk to and if I had any type of emotion that would make me cry she would instantly get mad at me and I would shut down. My mom wasn't the greatest when it came to being a mom to me. I never felt safe to tell her anything that was going on with me.

My dad was a street dude. Hustled hard and on a very high level that produced lots of money which were never worries in the Smith household.  My dad was an alcoholic and very abusive verbally. He was checked out which left me fatherless. He wasn't there to protect me like he should've been. I had to learn a lot that I shouldn't have at an early age.

My husband, Anthony Sr. aka Tony experienced not having his mom due to her having an aneurysm that burst and left her in a vegetative state.  My husband was 15 when that occurred.  When that happened he left school to take care of his younger brother Jermaine.  Tony's father signed over rights to Tony's grandfather (his mother's father) and dipped out. His dad was absent and during this time his grandfather wasn't the best in treatment towards my husband and his brother.

So take all of that (no blueprint) and bring it into a marriage. I was just happy someone wanted me and I wasn't going to be a statistic. I was marrying my son's father. Regardless of what it looked like.

No blueprint led to countless arguments which led to us spuing vile and hatred towards each other. We were mimicking exactly what we were taught.  We knew it wasn't right, however, we weren't sure how to fix it.

We had some very challenging moments and shit, we still have them.  We have to define what our relationship should be and how that looks to us.

Since becoming mature, we always discuss what's best for us, what is needed, what capacity should this relationship be in? Is it marriage or friendship.  What is our boundaries and deal breakers and actually adhere to them?

We have both said we should've had a conversation to see the baggage we were each coming with. We should've also spoke about what we view the relationship to be instead of the generic, "Because I love him or her".

Your relationship is just that YOUR'S. You don't owe anyone an explanation of how you conduct your relationship. Have those tough conversation with an open mind and sound spirit. Always listen with the intent to find a solution and not being right. Own your part in the breakdown and no matter what honor each other.

Remember, everything will not be for everyone to understand. Whether you are swingers, open marriage (however that's defined by those within the union) you can't let the ideals of others stop you from being happy.  DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOUR UNION AND NOT WHAT MAKES OTHERS COMFORTABLE.

 

Divorce

Within the special needs community, divorce is very common. Due to the stress, lack of time it can cause a wedge between you and your partner. Lack of sleep, communication can lead to a break down within the relationship.

With caring for someone with special needs, it can take a toll on your mental and physical health. ( I speak from experience ) waking up each day with the understanding that someone else needs you to do for them as you do for yourself is a lot.

There have been times when I felt defeated. Unable to make it. House a mess, kids a mess, lacking throughout the day because I was in a horrible place mentally. Depression creeps up the most unexpected times which causes you to be almost zombie-like.

Being depressed caused me to alienate people. Anxiety causes me to lash out and become irritable and unpleasant to be around. This caused my children to be stressed alot. Hell, I was stressed with daymn self lolol!

This type of behavior will push people away if they don't understand it. It will come off as you are unstable, mean and irrational.  You don't mean to be that way, however, it can feel like a burden if you don't express yourself.

If you feel like this you have to explain this to your partner so they can understand it. Otherwise, this is relationship suicide. When caring for someone with mild to severe needs can take a toll on your health and if you aren't transparent with your spouse about what it is you are feeling and experiencing they won't know how to be there for you.

Unfortunately, sometimes relationships, especially with high-stress levels, end up in divorce. Sometimes, things are so far gone unless each person is willing to let their ego totally go, there is no saving.

Divorce doesn't always mean things between you and the ex have to be bad. Divorce means, moving the relationship into a different capacity. You guys weren't' working in the capacity of marriage, let's try to work in the capacity of divorce and build a strong friendship so that everyone continues to get the support.

We all have a tendency to allow "EGO" to control what we think and how we conduct ourselves. That's within any relationship, we all use our ego's to drive the relationship at times. We play the right fighters instead of solution chasers. We quit when the real work starts.  We are ok while we are living within the fairytale and as soon as the fairytale comes to a halt, shit goes left. Women act like they are the only ones who hurt and disregard the feelings of their husband. Not understanding men hurt t"oo. They have ways they deal with their emotions. Which is why we have to learn about "Ego

How do we know how to operate if we don't have anyone there to help us stay on track?  It's hard to listen to other couples who don't live the same lifestyle.  They don't understand, the most they can try to do is empathize.  Which doesn't do anything but make you shut down and not even want to be bothered!

Living this type of lifestyle isn't easy, and adding this to everyday typical mishaps is enough to throw anyone off the ledge. Divorce within the special needs community is so common because we are the least supported. We don't have access to resources to assist with helping to keep families together. We barely have access to resources to help support our special loved ones.

Divorce, don't get me wrong, is sometimes necessary. No need to stay with anyone that makes you crazy as fuck. I mean your peace of mind is worth more than a damn unnecessary ass headache, n, shit!

In a nutshell, COMMUNICATE with your partner so that you can work hard to avoid the "D" word. Even though my organization is working feverishly to bridge these gaps, until these desired programs are built and running, we want to share our personal experiences in hopes that it will help another family.

 

 

Love vs. Respect

 

We often look at a union (whether married or not) as just love when in fact it's about respect and then love.  You can love someone to the core, however, if you do not respect the person you are in a union with, you have nothing.

We confuse the 2, we say, "oh I just love him or her", however, what I don't ever hear anyone say is how much respect they have for their partner.  Respect is much better than love and here is why, knowing the person's boundaries, adhering and being transparently open is a hard thing to do. Something love just can't do. Love will distort your thoughts on how you should operate in your union.  You can love someone and steal dishonor them if you have a lack of respect.

Ever hear that saying, 1st comes love then comes marriage? Well, 1st comes respect and then comes love.  We have to learn to have talks with our partner about what our feelings and needs are. How to compromise so everyone is happy. We tend to treat relationships as a one-sided deal when it's not.

 

Making Time for Each Other

Having a child with special needs can be very hard on a relationship. You’re often drained and by the end of the day you just want to get the kids in bed and wash your ass then go to sleep! lolol.

It’s important to make time for your partner, if you don’t you will head down a path of destruction wonder where things went wrong. You have to make the time and keep it spicy. So, how do you keep it spicy, well I’m here to tell you, YOU HAVE TO THROW THAT ASS IN A CIRCLE a few times a week no matter how tired you are.

Couples need time together, that’s how you stay engaged and on the same playing field. One of the most important things is sex! Sex can take your mind away from a hectic week as well as decrease stress and help you relax. Now, with that said, don’t think sex is all you need to keep things running smoothly in your marriage. The next most important thing is communication. Communication is another important aspect to a successful marriage.

Not expressing yourself in a healthy manner to your partner can create misunderstandings and unnecessary arguments. To be honest, I am very guilty of holding things in rather than talking to my husband about it. The crazy part is when I talk to him about what’s going on with me, my husband shows me why I shouldn’t have made a big deal about it. I know we’ve all been in situations like that.!

Another thing, couples have to get back to dating each other. Now, this is where I have to be truthful, I have trust issues when it comes to hiring someone to keep my special angel, Jaylen. A few weeks ago my sister and grandma came over and my husband and I were supposed to go out. We ended up staying home, put Jaylen to bed and then we went to sleep directly after. My sister said, “we came over here for nothing”. .My husband was looking forward to getting out, however, I backed out. He expressed to me how that made him feel, and I must admit I felt pretty bad. I promised myself that whenever we get the opportunity again we will go out on a date together. He deserves my time just as much as the kids do.

The purpose of staying connected is so that the children see their parents in a happy place at all times. If the only thing we are doing is caring for them and not making sure we’re good that teaches your children that self-care isn’t important. Typically when parents are caring for someone with special needs it comes with a lot of frustration. So what I’m telling you is, it’s okay to give time to the one you love.We have time in between time that we’re just using as an excuse.Love on each other!

Can’t Get No D or no P?!

 

Ok, can I be real for a moment?? Without anyone getting really elementary on me?! When you have children it's hard for you and your partner to get cozy. All the cute shit ya'll use to do when you dated goes out the window and you then become just grateful that you got a strong 6 mins of intense lust.

There are times when you've cooked, cleaned and cared for your babies and have no additional energy to play around with your partner. Hell, your partner who worked all day doesn't have the energy to engage in raunchy acts.

It's not that you don't want or desire to, it's that you've done for everyone else and forgot to do for the main persons.

Here's the key, you have to be ok with not feeling like everything has to be done in one day.  So what the clothes didn't get folded! So what the floor needs to be swept! Let go of something to get something.

When it comes to time, you can't get that back. Always ask, "Can this wait, is this more important"? The time with your partner is more important than chores. (unless your house is nasty, then we need to re-evaluate the entire situations)

You have to always remember why you chose each other. Letting meaningless thins interfere with your relationship pulls you apart and causes disruption within your relationship.  There will never be anything more important than the union you share with your partner. After all, if your relationship isn't right, your family won't be right.