A few days ago I sat in my room and cried, I couldn't help but come to a final realization that everything I expect from people will never be. Having others fully understand you and your thoughts will never be an option, especially from those who you expect it from.
Growth is a VERY HARD job once you accept the challenge! I've been struggling with finding out why the cards that were dealt with me were so. Why didn't the cycle stop before me OR was it suppose to be me to stop the cycle?
As usual, I asked my mother a question that would trigger an uncomfortable place within her that would cause her to lash out at me with anger. At that moment I felt that she was struggling with accepting the choices that she made with her life. It was that moment when she dodged the question and met me with a wave of anger and an answer that I did take personal for a moment.
As the heated and intense discussion between us continued, I could see her struggling with herself and using the outlet of me asking the question that triggered this much-needed breakdown. It was needed for both myself and my mother.
Prior to the conversation taking place, I was sitting in my room on my bed. As I was sitting there working, my left arm got cold and the hair on my arm began to raise up. I then felt a gentle touch met by a slight gentle breeze that let me know the feelings of my grandmother (my mother's mom) being present was true. That's when I went to the kitchen where my mother was and that's where this entire breakdown YET much needed moment that brought so much clarity.
A conversation that was met and given hostile unkind reactions, turned into a moment of so much clarity on both ends. I felt my mother FINALLY heard me and I FINALLY understood my mother and her actions to many things that took place in the past. It clicked, how I needed my mother to show up in ways no one showed up for her. She didn't know how to stand for me against our family. LET ME BE CLEAR, my mother would stand against anyone and any entity as long as it wasn't family she had to do it against.
This conversation helped me understand that what I was asking my mother to do was impossible because no one did it for her, no one was there for her the way she needed. She didn't understand what being there looked like. So naturally, I traveled the same insanely painful path she did. Mimicking behaviors, similarities in experiences both good and bad.
The breakthrough came once we both understood the experiences. A clearer understanding was formed and barriers that were once there were taken down. She gained a better understanding of who I was and am as well as on the way to being. Her struggles which bred an unstable and unbalanced human created the individual that fights for her children today. When I look back at the struggles, I fully understand that those struggles that I held against her were what I needed to stand tall for my children.
As I change how I view my struggles I now embrace and thank GOD for them. How would I be able to stand as tall as I do (and I am still growing) for my children if I hadn't gone through those struggles? There would be no way! Every battle that came my way built me to stand for my boys. Yes it was packaged differently and yes it wasn't idealistic, HOWEVER, GOD knew who was needed to breed one hell of a warrior to care for his prized possessions.
Now that I've gone through the storm with my mother, I feel I elevated that much more. I have a better understanding of things and she even called me to the carpet on a few things. From this complete breakdown, I feel we gain so much we didn't have for so long in a matter of hours.
This is the power of the Universe if you are open to the possibilities of what it can bring. If you aren't resisting you can find the peace and the joy you seek.