My youngest son Lyric was diagnosed in 2017 with Autism. I had suspected it, however, I was in total denial. I already had one son with disabilities, how in the fuck was I going to handle a 2nd child with a disability?!
When I got the official diagnosis, I cried really hard. I was just getting to a point of fully accepting that my oldest was permanently disabled and there wasn't anything I could do about that. NOW, here is my youngest, the one I was depending on to look after my oldest with challenges that would pose a really hard struggle for me.
Yes, I know Lyric is the one that has to go through the motions and the complications, HOWEVER, I have to help him through challenging moments, teaching him how to effectively cope and soothe himself without a tantrum, etc.
Watching him screaming in confusion, wanting to stop but can't. I can see the pain and suffering during his "moments" and it really does something to me. It's emotionally taxing to watch.
I have wondered for a very long time if there was something I did, something I ate, lack of sleep, mood swings, mental instability, etc. I really question if I should've given him the vaccines, did I allow the system to drug him with vaccines with no understanding of what they truly can do to his system.
I carried the weight of "What Did I Do" for awhile. I just really felt that I was being punished for my toxic actions prior to children.
I am still working through Lyric's diagnosis, however, I am a lot stronger mentally than I have been. I am learning how to be patient and how to redirect him and support him without smothering and babying him. I am learning to be understanding towards him and what his experience in life is. I am working hard on myself on a daily basis to make sure I am of sound and stable mind in order to help him conquer his challenges.
This road isn't easy at all as a parent and I am sure it's not easy for Lyric as a child navigating the world of Autism. I know the experiences are different because the perspectives are different.
I have my mom and close friends I can share, vent and cry to. I have come to realize that, those moments are needed in order to learn how to navigate with him.
To any parent reading this, don't feel hopeless, there is light. I realized that everything I possess within me is what's needed to help navigate Lyric's world from my perspective. His world won't be what I assumed, HOWEVER, it can be the best of what he's got.
Keep elevating yourself so that you can elevate your children. Every talent you have can help improve your thoughts on what appears to be a sad situation.