When I started the journey to getting my shit together, I didn't understand how FUCKING HARD this would be. There were many things leading to this, many embarrassing moments and moments of let down that would force me to stand tall on my own.
This journey was more than weight loss, it was a full transformation of who I was as a mother and woman. I was such a hot ass mess that I was corrupting not only myself, my oldest son Anthony!
I was struggling mentally and physically. I wasn't able to care for him as much as he needed because of my weight. I was fatigued and depressed which kept me from doing anything more than what was required to keep him alive. I spent my days arguing with others about my shit. Wanting others to get on board and change so that I wouldn't be alone in changing, however, that didn't work.
It was a very lonely path to take, yet I had no choice but to walk it in order to get to the other side of misery. Life couldn't be any worse than what I had already gone through and was currently going through. Life was really fucked up.
What made me move forward on my journey was the day I sat at my dining room table and broke 2 chairs at 2 different times. In conjunction with my inability to do more than what was required for Anthony Jr.
I lost a lot, however, I gained a lot! When I started this journey I wasn't sure what I needed to do. Everyone around was just as fucked up like me, there was no way they could help me get out of this place. I really had to figure this shit out.
The 1st thing I did was the lap band procedure to lose weight. That was a fail. I went a couple of years after and had the VSG and only lost a little weight. After 2 failed procedures I felt defeated, I felt that maybe I was meant to be a big girl. I wasn't meant to be thin and curvy like some of the women in my family.
After being in this funk for a while, I decided to try again. I made a conscious effort to get the weight off. I started to slowly eliminate things that were holding my bondage so I could elevate. That meant letting go of things and people that were just as toxic with no interest in getting themselves together. I lost family and so-called friends and at 1st it was hurtful because I did wonder if something was wrong with me. I wondered if I was just too much like everyone was saying.
After I started leveling up, I started to see a lot of fucked up shit I was doing and I had to go make wrongs right so I could move forward with a clear conscious. I knew once I started cleaning up my mess that I allowed to fester and cause (dis)Ease within myself, I started to notices small blessings happening. The more I started to see the small blessings the more eager I was to heal and allow myself to be vulnerable to life. I started letting go, worrying less, and accepting more.
There is a new level of life that I see so clearly, Anthony Jr. is getting the best of his mother, I am feeling more like myself and not a programmed version of myself. I have been able to regain my relationship with my mother and father. My youngest son Lyric is living his best life because I am at my best.
I couldn't imagine going back to the woman I was prior to this growth. I look at old pictures and applaud myself for rising above my circumstances so that my children could have something more than what I was offering. I knew I had lots of potentials I just didn't know how to execute.
Once I removed fear my abilities became endless and my desires became greater.
From 265lbs to 155lbs!!!! If I can conquer ANYONE can... Go be great!